On Forgiveness

Have you ever considered that forgiveness can be good for your health? One of the biggest health advantages to forgiveness is the lowering of your stress cortisol levels (Luskin, Forgive for Good, 2003 ISBN-10: 006251721X).  When you release the anxiety, anger, and distress with the purposeful act of forgiveness, you help decrease stress hormones in your body. In order to get a better grasp of how to forgive, you may need to re-think your beliefs about forgiveness.

1. Some people mistakenly believe that forgiveness is giving power to the other person. They may think that forgiveness somehow negates the wrong.  But think about it; this may not be the case in many situations. When you are victimized by a person who harmed you or a loved one, stole from you, or in some way, hurt you physically or psychologically, his/her deed or deeds might still be very wrong. The deed or deeds may have occurred without the intent to hurt or with the intent to hurt you.  So forgiveness doesn’t somehow negate the wrong. Instead, forgiveness actually empowers you to feel better both emotionally and physically.

2. Your act of forgiveness is based on your intent and the will to forgive.  You cannot forgive unless you give yourself a place of power.  What is this power? It’s the will and intent to let go of what someone has done or not done to you.  It’s an opportunity, actually, to give yourself new freedom and to no longer be tethered emotionally and psychologically to your hurt and anger.

3. Once you forgive, is the forgiveness permanent?  What’s the difference between saying you forgive and really forgiving? That’s up to you.  If you ask anyone who has had success in giving forgiveness, they will most often tell you that it was a process and that there are times when the hurt re-surfaces and you have to willfully forgive again and let it go. 

4. When you forgive over something or someone who has had a hold on your sense of wellbeing for some time, you might feel better; you might not for a while.  Remember that in many situations, forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event and you will most likely feel better each time you make the effort to forgive.  Time is a great healer; remember that your intent and will to forgive will eventually catch up with your hurt feelings and you will feel better, both emotionally and physically. 

Three Things You Can Do Today to Feel Better

1. Think Positive:  Make an effort to change your negative self talk into positive self talk.  For many people, this takes practice, especially if your thinking ‘style’ tends toward the negative.

2. Rest and relax:  Take a break—make a point to relax for 30 minutes each day.  If you’re not sure how to relax, try different things.  Listen to music, contemplate nature, read, meditate, nap, do whatever you enjoy that helps you feel calm.

3. Recreation and play:  Get some exercise! Find ways to be playful and develop a sense of humor Turn your exercise routine into playtime – find an activity you enjoy!

Control your Anger - Control your Stress!

There are actually healthy and unhealthy ways to control anger in your everyday dealings, whether with coworkers, family, friends or the grocery store clerk! Chronic, poorly managed anger may add to your stress levels by increasing the cortisol in your system, which in turn contributes to more inflammation and poorer health.

What are some unhealthy and healthy responses when you get angry? 
Check out these lists and tips.

Unhealthy Anger Responses

• You deny your feelings.  Instead, you lash out and blame others.
• You are defensive and argue with those who try to help.
• You are disrespectful of the other person (name calling, insulting the person instead of the situation).
• You have physiological sensations – increased heart rate, pounding heart, your face heats up, etc.
• You  act aggressive, hit or strike or throw things.
• You give up and see yourself as a helpless victim.
• Your anger becomes addictive – you easily anger at many different situations and circumstances.

Healthier Responses to Anger

• You admit your denial - You work at expressing your thoughts and feelings (using “I” not “You”) without denial and blame.
• You try to understand the other person’s viewpoint
• You have an attitude of respect even when you feel angry
• You do something constructive and find ways to keep your anger under control
• You are open to learning new things
• You examine your own behavior.
• Your commitment to others grows stronger
• You eventually let go of the anger and feel fine

Sometimes controlling your anger takes real effort and practice

Here are 5 tips for controlling your anger:

• Talk slowly
• Wait - “Take 10” - count to 10, 20 or 30, take deep breaths and think before your react.
• Take a walk; go for a run; workout, instead of reacting poorly to a situation.
• Find humor in the situation.
• Respond with assertiveness; respond don’t reac.

Work on your Assertiveness

When you communicate in an assertive manner, your assertiveness is actually incompatible with unhealthy anger (and the accompanying anxiety).

           

Tips on Assertiveness; use when communicating your anger!

• Use steady eye-to-eye contact but not staring or glaring.
• Stand or sit tall with good postur.
• Maintain a firm steady tone without yelling or drop in tone.
• Use “I” statements – I feel, I need, I would appreciate.
• Use short sentences.
• Use pauses for feedback.

Related articles

• Study Highlights How Moms' Depression, Anger Stresses Kids (nlm.nih.gov)

Exercise Like a Kid and Feel Better!

Have you thought about what some of the psychological and emotional  benefits of regular exercise might be?  Research has shown that for men, women, children, youth, mid-life and the elderly, one of the greatest benefits is an overall improved sense of well-being.  Specific studies on the effects of exercise on clinical depression have shown that for some, exercise can alleviate symptoms of mild to moderate depression.  A sense of self-efficacy and confidence is another benefit for the far majority of people who keep up an exercise regimen.

What is it then, that keeps people from making the time to get regular exercise? 

If you ask most sedentary people why they don't exercise, one of the things they may tell you is that regular exercise is too hard and they really don't like it!   If you fit in this category, consider re-thinking your attitude.  First of all, replace your idea of exercise with activity and play!

Do you remember what it was like to play when you were a kid?  Be a kid again!  Learn to play! What activities did you do before you became more sedentary?  Dancing, playing on a sports team, biking, walking, hiking, swimming and gardening - to name just a few - are all healthy activities and when integrated into your lifestyle, are a significant improvement over being sedentary.  Remember that as few as 30 minutes a day of moderate activity can not only help you become physically healthier but also  psychologically healthier, too.