Is Your Communication Style Stress Provoking or Stress Reducing?

Is Your Communication Style Stress Provoking or Stress Reducing?

Communication style can be either stress provoking or stress reducing.  There are individual differences in the way people relate to stress and distress.  In his book Stress Management for Wellness (1999), Schafer presents six ways of relating to stress.  Although no individual is strictly one type or the other, review the following types and see if you can identify with any of them.

Stress Seeking/Stress Avoiding Types

·        Stress Seekers thrive on the challenge, the sensation and the risk involved

·        Stress Avoiders thrive on the familiar, avoiding challenge, sensation and risk sometimes at all costs. The avoidance may be based on rational thinking or irrational fear of risk-taking.

Distress-Seeking/Distress Avoiding Types

·        Distress Seekers thrive on misery, illness, crisis, martyrdom; they may have become addicted to these patterns since childhood

·        Distress-Avoiders thrive on health, contentment, activity and do all they can to avoid and reduce distress.

Distress-Provoking/Distress Reducing Types

·        Distress Provokers thrive intentionally or sometime unintentionally on creating misery, disharmony, illness and upset for others

·        Distress Reducers thrive on doing all that is possible to promote health, happiness and growth for others.

These patterns of communication, thought and action are frequently set in motion during childhood. The pattern is perpetuated through what is called repetition compulsion.

Feedback Loop

Now consider this.  Communication strategies and messages that add to another person's self worth or reduce tension,  help prevent and reduce distress in others. In turn, through a feedback loop effect, distress is lowered for the self also.

And in turn, communication strategies and messages that increase tension and cause or add distress for others, through the same feedback loop effect, increase distress for self.

Karl Albrecht in his book Stress and the Manager (2008) has identified a list of distress provoking and stress reducing behaviors.

Distress provoking (punishing) actions include:

Monopolizing the conversation

Interrupting

Showing obvious disinterest

Keeping a sour facial expression

Withholding customary social cues such as greetings, nods, ‘uh-huh’.

Throwing verbal barbs at others

Insulting or verbally abusing others

Speaking dogmatically

Not respecting others opinions

Complaining

Whining

Criticizing, finding fault

Demanding ones’ own way; refusing to negotiate or compromise

Ridiculing others

Patronizing, talking down to others

Losing one’s temper frequently and easily

Playing games, withholding information, manipulating or competing in subtle ways

Throwing “gotcha’s” at others, belittling others

Telling lies, evading honest questions

Making aggressive demands on others

Disagreeing routinely

Asking loaded or accusing questions

Overusing ‘why’ questions

Breaking confidences

Flattering others insincerely

Joking at inappropriate times

Bragging; talking only about self

Stress-Reducing (rewarding) actions include:

Giving others a chance to express views or share information

Listening attentively; hearing other person out

Sharing oneself with others; smiling, greeting others

Giving positive nonverbal messages of acceptance and respect for others

Praising and complimenting sincerely

Expressing respect for values and opinions of others

Giving suggestions constructively

Helping others succeed

Talking positively and constructively

Affirming feelings and needs of others

Delaying automatic reactions; not flying off the handle easily

Leveling with others; sharing disagreement openly, honestly, respectfully

Confronting others constructively

Stating agreement with others when possible

Questioning others openly and honestly

Keeping the confidences of others

Joking constructively and in good humor

Now that you’ve read the list, go back and check the items that apply to you.

If you’re feeling brave, and ready to take a risk, ask someone close to you to check items that apply to you.

Which communication behaviors would you like to decrease/increase?

Why?

Use the lists above by reviewing them frequently, identifying the ones you want to change and monitoring your progress.